| uughh. |
[Dec. 21st, 2010|09:05 pm] |
So finally I got a for sure appointment to get induced this Wednesday.
I'm relieved to finally know for sure when I get to have him, but I'm on the verge of having a nervous breakdown from everything else that's going on.
I'd embellish, but what's the point?
I feel like shit.
I never thought I'd feel this way, but seriously the only time I'm even slightly calm is when I'm completely alone, & unable to be reached. |
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| I have this feeling in my bones. |
[Dec. 18th, 2010|06:24 am] |
I don't know what it is, or how to explain it, but it's not good.
Maybe it's from the stupid sad dreams that haunt my god damn precious fucking sleep times.
& I've been on the verge of puking this whole morning.
I think these may be signs of me going into labor, which is what I'm hoping they are.
because I had contractions throughout yesterday and woke up a few times last night from them, along with this god awful back pain and pressure on my pelvis so bad that I didn't even want to stand up.
Who knows.
All I know is that my nurse is HOPEFULLY going to call me this morning and tell me something fucking good. |
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| I'm officially due. |
[Dec. 17th, 2010|03:50 pm] |
My hatred for doctors has only been made worse by the flakey one I've been dealing with for my pregnancy.
He isn't necessarily a BAD doctor, he & his office are just very unorganized.
He told me like 2 weeks ago that he was going to induce me on sunday, then it changed to monday because he goes out of town every fucking week from thursday-sunday.
I called monday to confirm that if I was dilated they were going to induce me, nurse said yes.
So of course I'm sooo excited, and I go in, and I am dilated by 1cm, but LOL doctor says for me to come back next week? Oh neat!!! Glad everyone's telling me different things!
So today is my official due date and of course I don't expect to have my little fella because only like 5% of ladies deliver on the due date.
But I have been kind of nauseous, having minor contractions, and this weird sharp pain in my cervix/uterus/[I'm not really sure] all day so I called to ask what the issue might be and the lady just said "Hmmm, welllll, just hang in there and the nurse can call you in the morning."
Oh that's nice! Because if it's something serious it's not a big deal to wait overnight?
I honestly WOULD switch to a different doctor just because I don't like how all these bitches keep treating me like my questions and concerns are stupid & unimportant, but my doctor delivers at the new birthing center, and that place is super nice, and brand new, and not full of shitty retards pretending they know how to deliver babies.
Basically, I just want to have my son. I feel his little feeties kick, and I just wanna kiss em.
I'm so impatient. I've bought so much cute stuff to wrap him in, and little sockies, and hats, and stupid shit I probably don't need but Ughgfkjdflkgjdflkgdfl;sasd I'm so ready to meet him.
I'm sick of waiting! I've tried ALMOST everything I read that can help induce labor naturally.
GOD DAMMIT COME OUTTA THERE RORY DUDE. |
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| ahhh |
[Dec. 13th, 2010|11:19 pm] |
ummm
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| officially terrified. |
[Dec. 13th, 2010|08:20 am] |
It's like this;
I just don't want to be one of those women who for years sits and wonders and inevitably has to say the tired "I've been waiting my entire life just to hold you in my arms again, I'm so sorry." Or the cop-out "I just wasn't ready" excuse.
I've done a lot of things I regret in my life and that's a very known fact, [thank's everyone, no I have not yet forgotten the sins of my past] but I've been working quite hard on changing things, and not adding more mistakes onto that list.
Especially ones that I can't EVER change.
I don't care what anyone thinks of me based on history, or grudges, or the confused bullshit they believe as facts, and I don't assume any of these "anyones" could possibly understand because well, how could they? You all think you're such fucking experts on situations you've never been through, and I'm so "immature & stupid" because I'm young, but you don't know more than me because you're older and you think you've gained more knowledge based on that. Your "knowledge" is a joke to me...I've been through worlds more than most of you gossiping, rumor starting, "hear-say" believers could possibly ever have in you life thus far and I'm not just talking about in relationships, I'm talking about the things in real life you claim to understand because you watched it as an Oprah special, or learned about it in some bullshit human psychology class in college that I'm sure you failed out of.
The fact is you know nothing. Not about the person I'm becoming.
& I'm so tired of playing this game of feeling bad about myself because people keep trying to force me into reliving the most painful parts of my life in order to somehow convince me that the most important decision I'm about to make could possibly be the wrong one.
See the thing is, I understand what it's like to struggle on a much deeper level than just with finances which is what everyone seems to focus on most as the best reason to make a different choice...& If I can overcome the struggle from my childhood, there's no doubt in my mind that I cannot concur the one in my future. It takes MUCH more strength to get through, and get passed what I have than it does to keep and hold a steady job in order to
support someone.
The things that happened to me when I was younger and the choices I made after that had negative and positive effects, and yeah it took until recently for the positive ones to show through.
you can keep playing the "kaitlin's fucking crazy" card as much as you want, but to be honest, nobody comes out of what I have completely unscathed...But I did not let it break me.
I'm sure most of you couldn't possibly imagine that, could you?
Because in the overall scheme of things, I'm stronger than people think.
So unless you are truly mature [like so many of you seem to think simply based on your job, boyfriend, or partying] please omit my name from your mouths, and this situation from your passing party gossip because I'm tired of trying to convince myself I should respect ANY of your opinions or for that matter, you as people in general. |
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