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[Dec. 25th, 2008|09:01 pm] |
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I want to write, but I dont want to let out anything that I feel right now. Honestly think its time for me to see a therapist...Although I dont have an money to see one. I feel abandoned. I feel like even though I went out on a limb and for once in my life trusted him, he lacked the faith in me. He barely gave it a week, no time for things to get better. I love him with all my heart, and heartbroken barely explains how I feel about this. Maybe he didnt trust in me enough to change for him. I feel like I am never going to be able to trust anyone but my mom again. If I cant trust someone who is supposed to love me and care about me, who am i supposed to trust. How could I ever begin to love again, when the most caring, and loving person has lost belief in me. I need to get this out, but its truely not helping me to talk about. It pains me to think about it. Its a hard realization that the person who could most possibly be the love of you life doesnt want to be with you. If only this were the only of my problems, on top of losing the most important person in my life. I am without a job. I am not making money to pay my mounting bills, and I have been stuck in the house. I cant even get out cause of the weather. If I dont get a job soon I am going to be in a horrible financial position and I dont have any easy way out. Neither of my parents can help me, they cant even loan me money to pay them back, we have barely been getting by and I dont really know how things are going at my dads house, but he sells cars and with the economy that cant be good on his wallet . Not to mention he has two little girls. As if searching for a job isnt hard enough, try doing it in blizzards. Try doing it during the Christmas season when everyones mind is somewhere else and most people are only hiring for the holidays, which by the time I lost my job most places were done hiring for the holidays. I didnt have a great christmas, I got money for bills. I get to pay my bills with money that was meant to buy me gifts. Which I am not trying to sound selfish. But Christmas and my birthday are the only times I do get anything. I know there are people out there that are dealing with worse things, but I dont understand why everytime it rains it has to pour and lightening and thunder. I also got a summons for jury duty in the mail starting January 20th. And truthfully I had planned on having a job by then, which means I will have to take more time not working. Seriously 30$ a day for jury duty? Who can live off that? So I feel I am also dealing with some seasnal depression. Which I cant tell if its seasonal, or all these things that have been thrown at me are the cause for this. I am also mad at myself. I do nothing as of right now. All my friends are pretty busy so I have pretty much 24 hours a day to do absolutely anything. I havent read a page since Ive had all this time, and ive exercised once. I feel like I am becoming a lazy mass. I need to get up and do something besides looking for a job. I know this is a big sob story for myself. But honestly, I do feel kinda bad for myself, and I have the right to because I feel like all these bad things are happeningto me at once. Nothing in my life can go well, and I feel like I am totally out of control of the things that are happening I feel like I have bad karma. I really shouldnt though. Bad karma just doesnt make sense. Im not a saint, but I know ive done nothing remotely evil. I am just at a loss. |
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[Nov. 22nd, 2008|11:33 pm] |
I have been thinking a lot lately. It seems I have a lot of time to do so. I really miss Andrew and wish he was back from tour already. Oh well I suppose I have gone this far and we only have a little over a week left before he gets back home. I have been having some serious issues with my job. I love it and I hate it. Jack doesnt listen to anyone, he doesnt treat us right, and he definitely doesnt know how to manage a hotel. He expects me to pretty much do everything. Even the things that he is supposed to be doing. I feel a lot more like his secretary, and if im going to play that part I might as well get an office job and be getting paid $2 more an hour. I have been really thinking about getting a job at subway...why? I dont really know I kinda want something that is mindless and is going to make my day go by a little faster not to mention give me the right hours. Seriosuly I dont understand why I have such an issue finding a good job. If its not one thing its another. I dont ask much, I do all my work and go beyond. I dont see why this is so hard for my managers to see. If I am going to work my ass off for minimum wage I sure as hell better be treated correctly...Enough about that, I suppose if anyone has any ideas on where I could work, let me know.
I also have a lot of stuff to take care of. I have to get things figured out with amending last years taxes, not to mention this years is coming up. I have a doctors bill that I shouldnt have to pay for that I have to get figured out. I have to take my ACTs in Febuary. I have tons of scholarships I need to be applying for, and I need to get all my finances in check so I can be ready to start college next fall. I am also not to happy about the fact that Andrew gets back for a month and then leaves for almost another two weeks. My creative outlet is also diminishing. It doesnt seem like I even have any hobbies. Nothing that I really enjoy doing besides....sleeping, and watching tv. I dont ever hang out with the only two friends that I actually do have. Maybe twice a month.
I had this weird dream the other night about one of my teachers from high school. I cant really remember it, but it has really been making me think about him, and what a good teacher and friend he was. The only reason I really came on here to write is because I cant sleep and I thought maybe getting some of these things off my chest would help. Well....Im about to find out. |
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